dear journal,

these last few days have been kind of nuts. im just finishing up day 4 of living with jessie and cj, my new roommates. a ton of shit has happened and i honestly cant believe 4 days have gone by. weds night jessie and i went out to pb and met some new girls. thursday i moved in and had a date that same night with this kinda weird but cute chick who used to live down the hall from me. friday jessie helped me clean out my last apt and move my shit into the new pad. the rest of the day was spent assembling our wood flooring (ikea stuff) and mounting our plasma screen in the living room. we went out to kappa sig and SAE for some partying. i met a ton of gorgeous girls and cant even believe the photos in my camera. (btw im super stoked to have my own digital camera. finally. ive wanted one since jr year of hs and now ive got one!!)
sat we took 2 of jessies friends to pb. they came down form temecula to visit him. one was hot the other was daymn ugly. i mean wow. but they both went crazy on a stripper pole to the entertainment of some fat mexican dudes, which cj wasnt too stoked about. cj threw a fit, and i made good with a dosekis promo girl. on the ride home, cj sat in the front while jessie drove, and i made out without with both of them int the back seat. that was nuts. sunday jessie and i went surfing and then cj, jessie and i went to another kap sig party and i ended up getting tagged on be a cute alpha phi chick. i returned the favor by writing my name across her back. her and her really hot friends are coming over this weekend, i cant wait. today, my game has been a total fiasco. after surfing and a solid lunch, me and the dudes went to throw amy pink frisbee (with queer written across the top) on the sand. now, so far the day was going good, we had met a couple of cuties earlier and gotten some numbers.. anyway, back to throwing frisbee. cj sees 2 cuties on the sand and motioned for me to go talk to them. so i did the standard throw the frisbee at the girl and go talk to her trick except for the fact that this particular throw sailed true and ended with a solid thud square on the crown of the poor girl's nose. the sound of bruised cartilage could be hard for the 50-60 ft i was away from her. she promptly keeled over and begun to cry. after getting yelled at to get the fuck away, me and the boys promptly exited the beach and ran to the car. so embarrassing. i felt terrible. but what are the odds of that throw getting her in square in the dome? just my luck i guess. haha. on the other side of things, the stupid mtv show i got suckered into being on aired yesterday. haha they asked me what i don't like about girls, and i said they get periods. but its totally true, one day the love you and the next theyre bleeding out their pants and they want to kill you. i dont need that kind of trauma in my life. well finally, about five minutes ago i walked into the living room and saw cj ass naked after sex trying to open an ac vent. ill leave you with that mental image for now. i wonder what will happen tomorrow?

turn 21 next friday. thats weird. i kinda feel like i missed out on being 19 and 20. i wanna go back and do it over. but my roomate sam told me that i need to enjoy the current step in my path that i am taking, or else ill miss it...too. when i realized that, i found that i have a lot to enjoy out of my creative life of art, music, and research. i also have health to look foward to...as part of my crazy self-actualization plan, im going to detox and "tune-up" each system of organs in my body as a year-long research effort. its going to be sweet. at the end of the year, ill be in the best shape ever. and then, i will stop, look around and ask myself how i feel about life...

Wisdom comes with winters.
-Oscar Wilde

im glad its almost summer :)

i live by the beach. there are 9mm shell on the sidewalk in front of my aparment. last night a gang member from the venice 13 shot someone over a crack dealing. i heard the gun shots at 3am. they were right outside my window. they are always outside my window.

shellie came to visit me for the first half of the week. we went to the modern art museum in sd and then to the getty in la. i think im going to study architecture when i get to ucla next spring. then med school after. way after.

im proud of myself. even though things are moving along, i am impatient for some kind of climax. the biggest source of my energy is knowing that it will come. i don't know when, but i can't wait.

music+art+design+surfing+gym+food=my next 2 years... as of right now.

reality is the only thing crazier than fantasy.

if this is maslow's pyramid, here's

self -actualization

My mind is set on figuring itself out. Right now, its like this car that goes really fast but is held together by duct tape. I want to know as much about that car as i can before i try using it to drive down any specific road again. And crash.

I have a plan. And learning as much about my mental engine is the first step. Its going to be a long winter. But right now I need to create a stable environment to work on it. Or do i need just the opposite? Shit.

So its been a while. My semester went to shit so I dropped it. Don't feel bad at all. I had way too much of one thing on my mind and i was unable to deal with handling it in the "correct" fashion. Honestly i dont know the correct way, so fuck it.

I did learn a lot about life though. I guess I didn't "let my schooling interfere with my education" -Twain. In the end I decided that I was not going to live my life in pursuit of money, envy, or power. I think that sort of goal has caused more pain in my life than anything else. If I only knew that a year ago.

Instead, I have decided to live my life to achieve a purpose only I posess. Although I don't know what that purpose is, I do know that I am going to use my deepest passions to achieve it.

So as of 3 weeks ago, I declared a leave of absence from school and have just started moving into my new pad in Venice Beach. I live 2 blocks from the ocean with 2 rappers, Sam Sticks and Javis the Bravest, who share this same philosophy. They have been a blessing. We have a band called Devinyl Hearts. (Its like sublime with rap. Theres some pretty good acoustic shit too.) I need this.

I don't know what I want to do with my life right now. I can't say I want to be a doctor anymore. I think I wanted to do it for the money and I only appreciated the humanitarian aspects. My plan was to puse the money to fund my art. I have now decided to seek out my art in its entirety, use it for humanity, and follow the possibility of living a good life off that.

In the mean time, I am not sure what I want to study when I return to school in the fall. But my plan is to learn more about myself while living in Venice until then. Hopefully I will grow heathy, strong, and wise enough to make the best decision. More importantly, I hope I will learn how to truly enjoy life.

So from now on, Im going to share this adventure with ya'll. It should be fun and if its like I imagine it, its going to be fucking crazy.